Imogens' Experience

I lost my grandmother to cancer last october, and it was one of the most difficult experiences i have ever been through.
My Grandad died in the march of that year, after which my nan gave up the want to live anymore. After 57 years of marraige, when two people have been together that long, and love eachother that much, its imppossible to know what she must have been feeling. But the downward turn she took into the cancer was so fast it was positively terrifying.
She was diagnosed in the July with cancer of the lungs and had her first set of chemotherapy soon after. When she was told she had cancer, her reaction was typically blunt and to the point, like her. She said "well, self inflicted isn't it?" (she had been a smoker on 20 a day since the age of 16). The doctor told us the chemotherapy wouldnt make much difference now, it was inveitable that she would pass on, but it would make the pain less and maybe let her see christmas. Christmas was her favourite time of year because all of the family would get together around one big table for one day and she could be in charge of all of us, which she loved. Also, on Boxing Day, it was my 18th birthday.
However, two weeks after her first set of chemotherapy, the day she was due for her next set, she had a massive stroke. We didnt know at the time that this is a possible reaction to chemotherapy, but after finding this out i felt awful as i had asked her to have it so she would be around for longer. Nan lost all movement down her left side and her memory to an extent, and was admitted to hospital, which she never left. We would visit her everyday, and spend hours helping her to regain movement in her side, which she was so proud of herself for doing. Also, we would have lengthy chats about anything and everything, including bringing things back into her memory and everytime i went to see her, she always grinned at me and said "hello tart" - this had been my nickname since i was a child.
As things worsened and the cancer took hold, she would tell us incredible stories about things she had seen in her sleep or while she was awake. Some days she would have been down to Devon, the birthplace of my grandad and her favourite place in the world, or she would have been to West Whittering or the farm where she grew up with her 5 brothers and sisters. The most heart renching of all these hallucination stories was the one she told me not long before she died. She said my Grandad had come to her in the night, and taken her to the embalming room of the funeral directors to show her that there was nothing to be scared of and that he was waiting for her on the other side.
On a friday evening, my nan took a turn for the worse. The hallucinations had become terrifying for her and she slipped in and out of conciousness as her pain relief wore off. I spent that entire weekend at the hospital because i didnt want to miss her going to the other side, as i felt i could only do her justice by being with her when she died. On the monday morning, after a cramped night sleeping in a hospital chair, i woke up with my leg tangled in her morphine drip line. As i usually did i started chatting away to her while i tried to untangle myself from this extensive line of plastic tubing. I remember saying something along the lines of "blooming hell nan, you're not even awake and i'm still making a plonker out myself, i'm all tangled up here..." and so on. All of a sudden, she sighed, and a half sort of smile passed across her face. That was her last breath, and i'm glad i was being my usual self and being a bit stupid as she passed away. It was how she had always known me and there was no way i would change.

My nan had been my second mum since i was six and my parents had split up. She had always taken care of me and helped me out and was just there whenever i needed her. I couldnt have asked for a better person in my young life to guide me through. She was an amazingly strong person with the wierdest sense of humour ever. I dont believe the cancer killed her, although it did play a factor, my belief is that she died of a broken heart after losing my grandad. Their love was the ultimate example of how much two people can love eachother, and if i can ever be half the people they were and have half of what they had i would feel so honoured and privilaged as a person. My message to anyone who has a family member suffering from cancer is to be there, let them have your unfailing support and love, because that means so much more that anything else. My nan said to me that just having her family around her at the hospital made her feel more well than any drugs possibly could have. And if they do pass on, it is ok to cry and be angry, i was for such a long time, but remember to celebrate what you had with them and what they gave you, and the fact that now they wont be suffering every single day. I could never ever be able to thank my nan enough for everything she did for me, so i am living my life to the full and making the most of every moment i have, which to me, seems like the ultimate thankyou and honour because she shaped this 18 year old girl and made her what she is today.

Imogen x

 

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